Every year, Americans sit down on the last Thursday of November to stuff their faces full of food, gain about ten pounds, and watch a parade in New York City. Our President even pardons a turkey, yes a turkey. One of this years pardoned turkeys was able to conduct the interview just after the ceremony. It was by phone, as he was already on vacation in Hawaii by the time.
Me: Thank you for answering the phone! I’ve got a few questions for you please.
Turkey: Gobble, gobble!
Me: Congratulations on being one of the the pardoned turkeys for 2014!
Turkey: Thank you! It’s nice not to be on the center of the table with golden brown skin and sitting in boiling hot gravy.
Me: Who started this whole “Thanksgiving” thing?
Turkey: Some people on a ship hit a rock, got stranded, found a turkey, roasted it and called it “Thanksgiving.”
(For those not familiar with the ship hitting the rock story; the Pilgrims sailed over here, found a rock, named it Plymouth, and ate some turkey)
Me: When I cook a turkey, I give the giblets to the dog. What are giblets?
Turkey: Giblets are a strange part of the turkey. I probably shouldn’t tell you where they come from, otherwise your dog wouldn’t be very happy.
Me: Your feathers are so nice, could I make a pillow from them?
Turkey: How about I make a pillow using your hair! If I was not a few thousand miles away, I would chase you around the room and pull out your hair for my new pillow!
Me: What’s your favorite side dish to eat at Thanksgiving?
Me: I find that cranberry sauce compliments turkey VERY well!
Turkey: I’m right here! Please don’t talk about my friends and family like they are some kind of food!
Me: Why do you say gobble, gobble?
Turkey: I’m going to let you in on a little secret….. gobble gobble means absolutely nothing, it’s just something us turkey’s say.
Me: What are those white things that look like little chef’s hats people put on your feet when you’re on the little silver platter?
Turkey: They are used to keep our feet warm after we get out of the oven, but they also conceal our deadly turkey claws!
Me: Do you think it’s fair that turkey is the official edible animal for Thanksgiving?
Turkey: If those people who hit the rock would’ve found a cat, I’m sure a cat would be the official edible animal for Thanksgiving.
Me: Will you be safe at Christmas or is your head on the chopping block?
Turkey: I’d prefer that you didn’t use terms like chopping block please.
Me: What’s the deal with that wattle on your neck?
Turkey: Oh, that thing. The wattle contains all of the secret powers that will one day help all turkeys take over the world!
Me: What does your Thanksgiving day consist of?
Turkey: Us turkey’s usually gather around the barn yard, munch on some seed, then retire to our nests to sleep. When the human’s are not aware of what’s going on (when are they?), we cook a complete Thanksgiving meal consisting of chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and rolls. I love the taste of chicken!
Me: What do turkey’s do all day?
Turkey: I can’t speak for the other turkey’s out there, but I just sit around, get fat, and watch the turkey channel. Since I’ve arrived in Hawaii, I’ve taken up surfing, it’s quite fun!
Me: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me.
Turkey: Gobble, gobble!