A Barnacle Tells All

Posted by Nikki On June 29, 2013 ADD COMMENTS

Half-Life was introduced to the masses in 1998 and was a game that revolutionized the shoot ’em up genre forever.  Yes, I know that Wolfenstein 3-D was supposed to do that, but sorry folks, Half-Life wins.

The Half-Life series consists of:

  • Half-Life  (1998)
  • Half-Life: Opposing Force  (1999)
  • Half-Life: Blue Shift  (2001)
  • Half-Life 2  (2004)
  • Half-Life 2: Episode One  (2006)
  • Half-Life 2: Episode Two  (2007)

And in all of these, there’s the infamous Barnacle! Before you start running for well lit area, hear me out. I recently sat down with a barnacle, Snacksalot, to get some insight on their reputation and why the eat like they do.

Me: Welcome to the interview. Why were you willing to hang around for this interview?
Snacksalot: To tell the truth! (burps out a human skull)

Me: Most people think you’re brainless and hungry. Is this true?
Snacksalot: We’re not brainless, in fact I just had some brains! Of course we’re hungry; you’d be too if you hung upside down all of the time!

Me: Why do you hang upside down to get shot, blown up, and treated like crap?
Snacksalot: We can’t walk because that damn Gordon Freeman persuaded the game publishers to make us immobile. Freeman was worried if we could walk that we might eat his glasses. We don’t like glasses, we like pizza!

Me: Pizza?! You burped out a human skull at the start of this interview!
Snacksalot: That was an accident, I meant to keep that concealed.  Anyway… we hang upside down to catch “food.” Do you think a pizza is going to come zipping by on a hover craft or running through a cave? We eat living things because those programmers programmed us to.

Me: What was your original purpose in Half-Life?
Snacksalot: Us barnacles were supposed to be the good guys! Our purpose was to help Gordon Freeman fight the bad guys, but he wanted to be the star and protect his glasses; oh and he wanted to bang Alex. He was afraid Alex would like us more and that we would wear his glasses. What the hell is going on with him and his glasses? I ate a dude with glasses once, the glass was too crunchy and took too much time to digest.

Me: Crowbars; what do you think of them?
Snacksalot: !@$$%#$^&!

(Editor’s Note: After this explosive profanity, Snacksalot left in fear. We believe this to be because a crowbar can kill them in one hit. Fortunately we were able to get him back to continue the interview.)

Me: Are you able to discern food from non-food?
Snacksalot: Yes! People think we’re so stupid, but we can tell what tasty om-nomage is. The next time your gravity gun shoots a wooden crate at me, I’m gonna spit it back out at ya, Freeman!

Me: Are you looking for other gaming opportunities?
Snacksalot: Yeah, right! Valve and Source locked me into a cage when I threatened to not re-new my contract once. I was so tongue tied that I couldn’t escape. Needless to say, I will be hanging around for a while.

Me: Thank you for hanging around for this interview.
Snacksalot: You’re welcome………

(Editor’s Note: At this point Snacksalot decided to gobble up our reporter, glasses and all. Five seconds later, the glasses came back, along with a pair of panty hose. Snacksalot died from a single crowbar hit from one of the crew.)

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