Thanksgiving is fast approaching and families will be sitting down to feast, downing about a million tons of pumpkin pie, and gaining about forty pounds in weight a-piece. This year Chandra, Jace, Venser, and Koth sat down to give thanks and try to figure out what Thanksgiving is.
Chandra starts at the local supermarket shopping for a large turkey, unsuccessfully. She is used to feasting on Goblins and buying a turkey is quite confusing for her. She approaches a lady who looks like she knows how to talk turkey and asks her if she can help her find the perfect bird. The lady explains to Chandra that buying a turkey requires you to know how many people are going to eat it, if your oven is big enough, and if you can read instructions. Chandra doesn’t understand a word of this mess and leaves the lady spouting off turkey gibberish. Chandra wonders if you can cook a turkey on a spit like you do Goblins and if they taste like rotten stinky snot.
Meanwhile, Jace is in his kitchen trying to figure out how to bake a pumpkin pie and what Thanksgiving even is. Where Jace is from pumpkins don’t exist and the word pie has never been heard of. Jace does some searching on Google and apparently a pumpkin is a large orange ball-like vegetable that people on Earth carve funny faces into.
On the plane of Dominaria, Venser is prancing through the wheat fields with a sickle gathering wheat to make the all important stuffing. Unknown to most living creatures, Venser is quite the chef. When Chandra emailed Venser asking if he wanted to join the Thanksgiving feast, Venser was giddy as a school girl! Venser decided that he wanted to whip up the stuffing because Thanksgiving is nothing without stuffing! Venser walked a few planes over to the local supermarket to find some apples and cranberries for the stuffing. While at the supermarket Jace runs into Koth who is un-tapping kids and turning them into 4/4 elementals. Koth was put in charge of yams with the all important marshmallows baked on top of the yams. Koth knows what yams are, they use those to throw at the kids on Halloween, but marshmallows, those he knows nothing about. Koth asks some local kids where the marshmallows are and they point to these cotton ball like things and Koth throws them in the cart.
Lets switch gears and see how Chandra is doing on that quest to find a turkey. She found a big 2400 pound turkey, a Zhur-Taa-Swine (this is not going to turn out well, I’ve got a feeling). Chandra did find the real turkeys, gobbling away as turkeys do, but was so disgusted that anything could make such a funny sound, that she kept walking right past those creatures. Chandra purchased the swine with some wizard bucks and loaded it into her Toyota Prius. As a reader who’s familiar with a Prius, do you think a 2400 pound swine will fit? Chandra got home about 4 hours later because her Prius does not go very fast. When she finally arrived home she started defrosting the swine so that it would be ready to throw into the oven tomorrow and then calls it a day by going for a hard earned nap. The next day Chandra uses her ultimate ability Ablaze (to cast any number of red spells without paying their cast costs), and casts the swine into the oven without even getting out of bed.
Jace has spent the whole day before researching what Thanksgiving is and finds out it’s just another holiday for people to eat tons of food and worry about heart disease and diabetes. Jace walked over to Earth and found a supermarket that had a huge Thanksgiving display that advertised that it had everything for the perfect Thanksgiving day dinner. Jace finds that they put a pumpkin pie in a can, and thinks to himself, “I’m done with my part!”. Jace gets home in a 10.4 seconds and plops the pumpkin mix into a dish and calls it a day. Jace does not realize that most pies have a crust and most people get very upset if their pie does not have the all important crust!
Venser had the stuffing down to a science, (at least he thought he did). Venser is too smart to read any kind of recipe and claims he knows how to make the stuffing on his own. Venser exiled the wheat then returned it to the mixer along with the apples and cranberries. But he doesn’t realize that you have to grind the wheat to make the stuffing, you can’t just throw stalks of wheat into the stuffing and expect it to come out right.
Thanksgiving day arrives! Jace arrives first to Chandra’s house with his pumpkin pie. Venser arrives next with his stuffing (that looks like it’s still sprouting wheat in the field) along with a turkey on a leash. His turkey, Tom, is his prized pet and beloved disc golf partner. Koth strolls in with his yams and marshmallows, they don’t look normal. Chandra is busy setting the table and puts her ‘turkey’ on the center of the table with all of the trimmings.
Remember that all of these people in the same room is dangerous and a hungry Planeswalker is a grumpy Planeswalker!
All of the guests and Chandra sit down at the table and begin to help themselves to the spread. Venser takes one bite of the ‘turkey’ and notices it taste like bacon, really furry bacon. Koth is hungry and decides to take a big spoon full of stuffing and on his first bite it’s crunchy and tastes like cardboard. Chandra spots the yams across the table and notices that they are not exactly orange, while seeing that the marshmallows are placed strategically to look like the blue mana symbol, not to mention they are not toasted and all gooey. Koth explains that these kids showed him where the marshmallows were; it turns out that they are actually cotton balls and the potatoes are white mashed potatoes, oops. After choking down that disgusting meal, the Plansewalkers are ready for dessert. Everyone gets a slice of pumpkin pie, well it was more of a scoop, onto their plates. The pie has no crust and it’s cold. Jace didn’t cook the pie filling and it’s more of a frozen custard that would fit well on top of an ice cream cone. Suddenly everyone but Venser turns towards Tom the turkey with hungry eyes. Venser notices their looks of rabid hunger, takes some of the pie and tosses it towards Chandra as a distraction, then exiles himself and Tom. The others grumpily decide to leave.
Thanksgiving for the four Planeswalkers was eventful and none of them ever want to eat near one another again!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
